Only some of us were lucky enough to get medically accurate sex education in school, and even if we did, odds are, it didn't cover how queer men have sex. It's normal to have lots of questions around the mechanics of queer sex, such as what it means to be a top and bottom—and how to do each.
"Top" and "bottom" typically refer to people's roles during anal sex. The bottom is the receptive partner, meaning they're taking their partner's penis or dildo in their anus. The top is the insertive, or penetrating, partner, meaning they're putting their penis or dildo into their partner's behind.
For many queer men, being a top or bottom is also part of their identity; it's why you'll hear guys say, "I'm a top" instead of "I prefer the top position." (If you enjoy topping and bottoming during anal sex, that's called being "versatile," or "vers" for short.)
We have resources on how to bottom, but today we're going to talk about...
How to Top
From warming up to aftercare, there's a lot more to topping than putting your penis or dildo in someone's anus and going to town.
The most important skill of all when it comes to being a top? Communication, of course.
"Listen to your partner, your own body, and communicate," says Dr. Evan Goldstein, founder and CEO of the anal surgery practice Bespoke Surgical. "That's how anal sex is going to be fun and pleasurable."
How to Warm Your Partner Up
If you've ever been on the receiving end of anal play, you know that penetration feels better when you're relaxed down there. Before you even think about sticking your penis or dildo into your partner’s rear end, you need to loosen them up. Remember, it is a gift—a blessing—that your bottom trusts you enough to put your penis or dildo inside them. Do not skip on the foreplay.
Rimming and fingering are two ways to warm up your partner's booty for anal sex.
"Begin by rubbing the outside of the anus with a finger, applying more pressure as your partner becomes more comfortable," explains Bobby Box, a sex educator for Lovehoney. Since our anus is full of nerve endings, even the softest of touches will feel fantastic. "From there, you can start kissing in and around the anus, working your tongue in slowly as if you’re passionately making out with it," Box adds.
As your partner relaxes, that’s when you can consider working a finger in. "Just make sure your nails are trimmed and filed because the walls in our rectum are very thin and susceptible to scratches and tearing," Box says.
Try the "butt clock technique."
Carlton Thomas, M.D., a board-certified gastroenterologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic, recommends a fingering technique called the "butt clock" that will loosen the hole right up.
The external sphincter is made of skeletal muscle that you can control, Thomas explains—think of how you can clench your butthole and make it tighter. The internal sphincter (inside your anus) is made of smooth muscle, which you can't control with your brain—but "you can with lateral pressure," Thomas says.
Think of the anus as a circular clock. To use Thomas' "butt clock" technique, put your lubed-up finger into the bottom's hole and press laterally at 3 o'clock, for 15 to 30 seconds. Then do the same at 9, 12, and 6 o'clock. "That tiny little circle will start opening up magically," Thomas says. "It's like a key to a lock."
Lube is your friend for all kinds of anal sex.
Unlike the vagina, the anus is not self-lubricating; there's simply no such thing as a wet ass bussy unless you lube up the anus and whatever's going into it: fingers, toys, a penis, etc.
When it comes to lube for anal sex, Box recommends a silicone-based lube. "Silicone lubes are slicker, thicker, and last longer than water-based lubes, meaning you won’t have to stop to re-apply as often," he says. It also won't erode latex condoms, like oil-based lube. (Just be careful if you're using a silicone sex toy, which could erode from contact with silicone-based lube. Head here for more tips on choosing the right lube.)
Ask if your bottom is ready for more.
Before you start with penile or dildo penetration, ask your partners for permission.
Once you're given permission to start penetrating, continue to check-in and see how your bottom is feeling. "If something hurts, stop and reevaluate before you cause serious damage to your partner," Goldstein says. "As the top, it can be enticing to be aggressive or dominating, but listen to your partner and don’t get too wild until they’re ready."
How to Enter Your Partner
Keep using lube! Lube isn’t just for the warming-up stages; it’s for the P-in-B part, too! Use your fingers to put lube inside the bottom's hole and on your dick or dildo, Box says.
Your bottom might have a preferred position to receive penetrative anal sex, so you should ask them what they'd like. “Despite what you see in porn, which almost always features the top being in full control when starting out, it’s essential that you relinquish control to your bottom,” Goldstein says. Consider starting in a position where the bottom can control the depth and speed of penetration, like in cowgirl or another position where the bottom is "on top."
Ask your partner if there's anything else they want you to do. For example, once you're fully inside of them, they might not want you to move at all. They may just want your penis deep inside of them as they take a few breaths and relax.
Your partner's booty will open up to you as they get more comfortable having you inside them, and then you can start thrusting more powerfully—but only if that's something you both want.
Finding the Right Speed and Rhythm
There's no "right" speed or rhythm when you're topping—it's all about what your bottom is comfortable with. “Some bottoms enjoy long, slow, and deep thrusts, while others prefer short, rapid thrusts, and some like to switch things up, depending on the position,” Goldstein says. Like nearly all things sex, it’s a matter of each person knowing what they like and being able to communicate that.
An open line of communication is the key to ensuring everyone is enjoying themselves—so, ask permission before you switch things up. ("Want me to go harder, baby?" "Do you think you can take more?") And if you do go harder and your partner starts experiencing pain, stop immediately.
“One piece of advice most people don’t share is that the size of the top’s penis is important here,” Goldstein adds. “Believe it or not, a lot of bottoms find it more difficult and uncomfortable when the top has a shorter penis because they are more likely to come all the way out with each thrust—and constantly re-entering can be irritating.” (If you are not the most well-endowed, check out these positions for guys with less-than-average penises. These positions will help you "fall out" less.)
The Best Positions for Anal Sex
The best positions for anal sex are whatever feels best for you. “Feel free to try doggy style, which will put the top in full control and allow for deeper penetration,” Goldstein says. “Or you can try reverse cowboy, which is especially pleasurable if the top’s penis naturally curves down. Your penis will hit your partner’s prostate that way.”
Missionary’s great because it allows for kissing, and you can also stimulate your partner's penis while penetrating them (or the bottom can jerk themselves off).
“Because everybody is not the same, don’t be surprised if certain positions work better than others. Every bottom's pelvis is different, and every top’s penis is different. Whether the top’s penis curves upward, downward, or straight out will affect which positions are better or worse for the bottom,” Goldstein says.
Height differences can make things tricky for the top's penis and bottom's anal canal to line up. “If one partner is significantly taller than the other, don’t be afraid to use props, like pillows, or different surfaces, like a sofa, countertop, bed, or chair, to better align both bodies,” Goldstein says. Sometimes sex is like a puzzle, and you want to make sure both pieces fit together to help maximize pleasure and minimize discomfort.
How (and Where) to Finish
Where should the top cum? You won't know unless you ask! The answer depends on what you and your partner want.
“I recommend people speak with their partner about what they feel comfortable with, what desires they may have, and find a spot that makes everyone happy, “Goldstein says. “Some people love cum, which can manifest itself as enjoying being bred [meaning the top cums inside the bottom’s ass without a condom], on their face or in their mouth, or all over their body.”
Some people prefer to cum on a towel, sheets, or inside the condom. “Wherever you and your partner land (excuse the pun), there’s no wrong answer as long as you are both comfortable and turned on,” Goldstein says.
Practice Aftercare
When you’re all done having anal sex, check-in with your partner and see how they’re feeling. This should be done after any sexual activity, but especially after anal sex, as bottoming can be a very intense experience, so your partner may want to be held, need some water, or at the very least, want some time alone in the bathroom to clean up. Also, how we behave after sex can actually shape how we think about the entire sexual experience, so aftercare really is a must.
Does Topping Have Health Risks?
When having anal sex as either the top or bottom, you risk acquiring sexually transmitted infections. One mode of STI transmission is when the the skin of the bottom's anal canal or the top's penis tears—either from not using enough (or any) lube, or thrusting with too much force. “This can lead to pain, irritation, and bleeding, which puts everyone at risk for STIs,” Goldstein says. "Even if there’s no tearing, tops should be aware of highly common STIs, like herpes, HPV, and anal warts, which can all be transmitted simply through skin-to-skin contact like touching, rubbing, and rimming.”
An easy way to prevent STI transmission is wearing a condom. “We all know that, if used properly, condoms do a great job of reducing the risk of STI transmission, so if you and your partner both want to use them, then I encourage you to do so," Goldstein says.
If you're not someone who uses condoms consistently, then you should undergo routine, comprehensive STI exams at least every three months. This means oral and anal swabs, as well as urine and blood testing. If you have or think you have an active STI, then you should tell all recent partners who may have been exposed and abstain from sex of any kind until you're done with treatment and no longer infectious. And if you have herpes, HPV, or anal warts, make sure you don’t have any active flare-ups when having sex.
"Analyze your risk profile and plan accordingly with regular testing, treatment, disclosure if transmission occurs, and prophylactics like PrEP, Valtrex, and Acyclovir, as well as Gardasil, the HPV vaccine," Goldstein says.