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Ultimate Guide to Mutual Masturbation

Posted By Adrienne Santos-Longhurst i  

Yeah, masturbation is basically the act of self-lovin’. But who says you can’t share the love and play solo, together?

What is mutual masturbation?

Mutual masturbation actually has two definitions: masturbating yourselves together or having hand sex with one another. Here, we’re talking about masturbating yourselves together.

This kind of partnered solo play can happen in the same room, via video, or even on the phone if you’re shy or just enjoy some hot aural sex.

How mutual masturbation works in relationships

It’s pretty much the most intimate thing you can do with a partner.

You’re letting them watch and listen as you do something that most people only do behind closed doors.

It can make you feel an exciting — and kind of terrifying — mix of vulnerable and powerful at the same time.

As for them, being privy to the peep show and watching you pleasure yourself can kick up the naughty factor by a bazillion.

Other reasons it’s awesome:

  • Pleasure’s a sure thing, because each of you gets to do what you already know feels good for you.
  • You get to release your inner voyeurs and exhibitionists at the same time. (You know they’re in there!)
  • It’s the best sex ed you can get, because your lover gets to learn how to give you pleasure from the most qualified instructor: you. And vice versa.
  • If you want to introduce sex toys into the bedroom, this is hands-down the best way to start the convo.
  • It’s totally versatile and can be used to fulfill other fantasies, like role-playing, threesomes, or group sex.
Myths and misconceptions about mutual masturbation

If you have any preconceived ideas about mutual masturbation that have been stopping you from giving it a whirl, we’re gonna set the record straight.

Here are a few common misconceptions about mutual masturbation and why they’re BS.

Myth: Mutual masturbation is so high school, and people only do it when they’re not ready to go all the way

You might think penetrative sex is the end game when it comes to sex, but if that’s all you strive for, you’re seriously missing out.

Pleasure should be the focus of sex, and penetration is *not* the only way to get or give pleasure. Mutual masturbation is just one of many ways to get each other off.

It gets bonus points for versatility because anyone can enjoy it, including those who prefer not to have or can’t have penetrative sex.

Myth: Mutual masturbation is for same-sex couples

Nope! Mutual masturbation’s for everyone!

Basically, if you want to try it, have at it, no matter who you are.

Myth: Masturbation is bad and causes blindness, hairy palms, addiction, or erectile dysfunction

We call BS on all of these. For starters, masturbation has actually been associated with many health benefits, like improved sleep, reduced stress, and better body confidence.

Furthermore, there’s no evidence linking masturbation with any of these ill effects. But let’s break ‘em down for fun:

  • Blindness isn’t caused by masturbation unless you’re masturbating with a sharp object, like, say, a hairbrush, and the lube causes you to slip and accidentally poke your eyes.
  • Hairy palms just aren’t possible unless you’ve inherited a rare gene, according to the Genetic and Rare Diseases Information Centre. That gene causes a condition called circumscribed hairy dysembryoplasia of palms.
  • Masturbation addiction isn’t a clinical diagnosis and masturbation isn’t recognized as addictive. While some people may do it compulsively and find it problematic, there are actually many health benefits associated with rubbing one out.
  • Erectile dysfunction has several possible physical and psychological causes — masturbation not included. Excess smoking and alcohol use, cardiovascular disease, and stress are common culprits.
Potential risks to be aware of

Masturbation is pretty much the safest sex you can have, but when doing it with a partner — virtually or IRL — there are some risks to consider.

First, be aware of bodily fluids. Touching yourselves isn’t risky, but any time there’s contact with semen or vaginal fluids, there’s a risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

If either of you decides to reach over for a feel — with consent! — wash and dry your hands first, or use barrier protection.

Trust is a must, especially in this day and age of virtual everything, where just a click lets a person sneak a screenshot or record a video and share it with others.

How to bring it up

Your situation can give you an easy way into the convo.

For instance, if you’re in a long-distance relationship or separately isolating from a virus, it can be as simple as saying something like:

  • “I really miss touching you, but I think I’ve figured out the next best thing.”
  • “I know how we can have sex and still stay 6 feet apart.”How to set the mood

Set the scene, whether the rub-a-thon’s happening IRL or virtually, by choosing a safe and comfortable space so you can both fully relax.

A bed, the couch, or a pillow fort on the floor — whatever works for you.

Dim the lights, light some candles, and put on some music. If suds float your boat, then feel free to take your sesh to the tub.

Keep toys, lube, and any other props within reach

If you’re doing it IRL

If you get to partake in person, rest assured there’s no way to mess this up if all parties are on board and you do what feels good.

That said, some things can make it even better.

Positions to try

Feeling a little shy or have no qualms about giving yourself a hand with an audience? There’s a position for that! Consider:

  • Side-to-side. This one works for all, but it’ll appeal especially to someone who’s nervous about masturbating together. You can lie or sit side-by-side to get your rub on. Eye contact makes all sex hotter, but this position makes it optional, so you can roll over to gaze when you’re ready.
  • Mutual mish. This handsy take on the missionary position has one of you lying on your back and the other on top, either straddling or kneeling between their legs while you pleasure yourselves. If one of you isn’t feeling up for a rub but still wants to be there for the other, the hot AF view makes the mish the perfect compromise.
  • Full-frontal face-off. Raise your hand if you like to see and be seen! Sit facing each other with legs spread wide for a full-frontal face-off that’ll make your inner exhibitionist and voyeur proud.

Things to say

You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to, but be sure to let out any enthusiastic moan or whimper that comes naturally.

If you’re cool with sexy talk, give some verbal encouragement by telling them:

  • how good it feels
  • how hot they are
  • how turned on they’re making you
  • when you’re about to come

You can mutually masturbate like a total boss by telling them what you want them to do to themselves, too.

Techniques to try

To take it beyond just the rub and tug:

  • Tease your other erogenous zones before going for the money shot.
  • Suck on your fingers or theirs while you play.
  • Stay connected by draping your leg over theirs.
  • Tease yourself with a toy, like a clit or nipple vibe.
  • Engage in some solo penetration by way of a vibrator or butt plug.
If you’re doing it over the phone

When you can’t see each other, masturbating can still be a mutually toe-curling experience.

Positions to try

Anything goes when you’re flying solo, as long as it feels good. But here’s some next-level position inspo:

  • On your knees. Whatever’s between your legs, getting on your knees will work because your clit and vagina, penis and balls, or anus are all within easy reach of your digits or a sex toy. Keep your knees slightly apart for balance and stability, since your hands will be otherwise engaged.
  • Cop a squat. Just like it sounds, you cop a squat and go to town. If using a toy for vaginal penetration and G-spot play is on the menu, squatting works best. Do it with your back to a wall for support to make it easier on your quad muscles.
  • Dry humper. A good old-fashioned dry hump works when you’re alone, too. Just be sure to grind against a surface that won’t hurt your tender parts, like the edge of the mattress, the arm of a sofa, a pillow, or a stuffed toy. You can also lie face down with your hand or a vibrating toy against your clit or penis for a hump.

Things to say

Yep, phone sex can be a little awkward, especially if you’re new to it. Thankfully, touching yourselves will pick up a lot of the slack.

Any sounds that come from feeling good will hit the right notes with your partner. Don’t be afraid to turn up the volume on your breathing, moans, or sighs of pleasure.

If you want to turn them on with talk, paint a picture by telling them what you’re doing to yourself, and ask them to describe what they’re doing, too.

Techniques to try

Here are some extras to make the most of your tele-masturbation sesh:

  • Use an app-controlled sex toy that your partner can control from afar.
  • Try a suction-cup dildo mounted to the wall or a chair for hands-free and phone-friendly penetration.
  • Read an erotic story to each other if you’re lost for words.
  • Go all out with some fantasy exchange or role-playing if you’re both into it.
If you’re doing it over video

Let’s take a moment to honor the technology that allows us to keep having mind-blowing sex in isolation during a global health crisis. *sheds a tear*

Positions to consider

Any position with a view works best for a sexy video sesh, as long as you’re able to relax and enjoy yourselves.

Try these:

  • Sit and lean. Just as it sounds, you sit and lean back facing the camera, so your boo can see you in all your glory. Leaning against pillows provides the support so your hands are free to rub, stroke, or finger yourself for the cam.
  • On your knees. Just as hot on video as it is IRL. Kneel on the bed or floor facing the camera, and let your fingers do the walking. Arching your back and thrusting your hips forward can maximize the view. Use pillows or a wall behind you for support if you want to go into a full limbo position.
  • Standing tall. Prop the camera up so you can get your entire body in the shot, and stroke yourself while you stand facing it. Standing gives you the freedom to move, so you can thrust, bend, or twirl to your heart’s content — and theirs — and reach every inch. Keep a stable stool or chair handy if you want to prop up a leg to maximize their view, or to better reach your P or V for stimulation.

Things to say

Unlike phone sex that’s totally reliant on audio, a video sesh lets you show and tell, to take some pressure off finding the right words.

Ham it up for the camera aurally by being a little louder, so they can hear every breath and moan.

If you want to try dirty talk, there’s no need to follow an elaborate script. Try these openers:

  • “If you were here, I’d be stroking/licking/sucking/rubbing your [insert body part] so good.”
  • “I’m imagining you touching/rubbing/riding me right now while I [insert what you’re doing to yourself].”
  • “What do you want me to do to myself?”

Can’t dirty talk? We’ve got four words for you: I’m. Going. To. Come.

*mic drop*

Techniques to try

Try these tips to ramp up your virtual masturbation sesh:

  • Place the camera on the floor or bed, and masturbate over it for a super-intimate view.
  • Penetration can take video sex to another level, so grab some lube and your favorite vibe, stroker, or butt toy.
  • Use an app-controlled toy and let your boo take your pleasure into their hands while they watch, or get one each for double the fun.
What if something isn’t working?

Just say so. Mutual masturbation should be mutually gratifying, after all.

If you want to switch gears, you might say something along the lines of:

  • “I’m not really feeling this right now, but would love to keep watching you if that’s OK?”
  • “I’m not feeling this position/move/angle, mind if we switch it up?”

If you’re not feeling it at all and want to stop, tell them. You could try:

  • “I’m having a hard time staying in the moment. Maybe we can try again later?”
  • “I’m not really feeling this and would rather stop or [insert another activity].”
Overall best mutual masturbation positions

TBH, a mutual masturbation sesh can be enjoyed in almost any position if there’s a will and a way. Still, some positions are just too good not to share.

Here are our top three:

  • Lean on me. Have your partner sit on the bed and lean back against the headboard. Sit on their lap, slightly off center, giving them just enough room to reach their genitals. Lean back and rub yourselves off, together. You’re each in charge of your own pleasure, but with each other’s helping hand nearby if you want it.
  • Bend over x 2. Stand or kneel side by side in front of a sturdy surface, like a table or sofa, and bend over. Let the surface support your body, leaving your hands free to pleasure yourselves or each other. Don’t forget to turn your heads for some eye contact and making out!
  • Ride em’ cowfolk. This one’s so simply sexy! One partner lies on their back while the other climbs on top to face them, and straddles their genitals. The partner on top can take charge, rubbing and riding for genital-to-genital fun. Bonus: Both have their hands free for self or shared erogenous play.
How to make mutual masturbation even better

Mutual masturbation is already likely to give you both an easy ticket to O-town, but these tips can really bring it home.

  • Wear a blindfold. Being blindfolded can kick your senses into overdrive and add a kinky element to your sesh. Adding a blindfold or two to the mix can also be a good solution if you’re feeling a little shy about stroking in front of your partner IRL or virtually.
  • Try sensory play. Sensory play lets you heighten your and your partner’s pleasure by igniting different senses with different sensations. Think hot candle wax or ice cubes on their skin. Or maybe feathers to tickle and tease, or the cool prick of a Wartenberg wheel. Whisper something naughty or listen to audio erotica while you play.
  • Play dress up. Virtual sex has, for the most part, taken the place of phone sex and become pretty common even for those of us not in LDRs. Wearing a costume for a little role-playing can take it to another level. Being in character might also help lower your inhibitions a tad, allowing you to try things you might normally shy away from.
The bottom line

Mutual masturbation doesn’t get the cred it deserves, but it’s definitely worth adding to your repertoire.

It’s fairly safe, can help you master your moves better than any tutorial, and practically guarantees a happy ending for all involved. Winner winner!