Humans are verbal creatures—in relationships, we use our words to express our deepest emotions, desires, needs, and fantasies. Ever tried watching porn with the sound off? It just doesn’t have the same effect—and that’s because hearing certain words or phrases can be a major turn-on. But while porn stars may have no qualms about uttering filthy phrases during sex, many of us regular folk tend to blush at the mere thought of saying such words out loud. And is it any wonder? Even the phrase “dirty talk” sounds shameful or bad. But it’s time to change that.
According to Lee-ann Cordingley, a clinical sexologist and sex coach, dirty talk can trigger feelings of vulnerability, especially for men who may be used to expressing themselves with physical touch rather than words. Still, she stresses that the benefits outweigh the risks here.
The psychology of dirty talk “hasn’t received a ton of study,” says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a researcher at the Kinsey Institute and member of the Men's Health Advisory Panel. But some studies have reported that erotic stimuli (e.g., dirty talk) fire up the hypothalamus, a region of the brain that influences sexual behaviour. That tracks with Lehmiller’s own scientific research. “I [asked] whether people had fantasies about being called a sl*t or b*tch and found that this was quite popular,” he says. He found that 40% of women had fantasized about being called a demeaning name during sex.
One possible reason is that degrading language is considered taboo and therefore activates the brain’s fear responses in the amygdala—which also controls excitement and pleasure. “Another part of the explanation is that wanting to be called demeaning names is a form of masochism—the act of deriving pleasure from pain,” Lehmiller explains.
Not only can these racy narratives upgrade your sex life, but they can also strengthen your relationship. Dr. Jess O’Reilly, resident sexologist for Astroglide, adds that dirty talk is also a great way to build anticipation and cultivate consent—both before and during intimacy. While talking about what you want to do, what you plan on doing, or how you’re feeling in the moment, you and your partner can get a better sense of where the boundaries are and make sure you’re on the same page.
How do you know if your partner is into dirty talk?
Something to keep in mind: dirty talk isn’t for everyone. So, before you start spewing out explicit phrases, consider asking your partner whether they’re on board—and more specifically, if there are any particular words that make them cringe or feel downright uncomfortable. (We recommend having this conversation when you're not in the middle of a hookup, so no one feels pressured to answer one way or another.)
The next time you're eating breakfast together or just laying in bed snuggling, you could ask, “Hey, out of curiosity, how do you feel about dirty talk?" And if they're into it, you could ask, "What would you like to hear me say? Are there any words you're not cool with?"
Some words or phrases might be out of bounds for you or your partner, and it’s both of your jobs to know what they are. They might say, “When partners call me a b*tch, it’s not really a turn-on for me. I would love it if you called me a sl*t instead.” Dirty words for body parts (p*ssy, c*ck, d*ck, t*ts, etc.) are also worth discussing; there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of them, but some people have strong reactions to one over another.
tease into dirty talk with sexting.
This way, you can gauge your partner’s reactions virtually, instead of face-to-face. (It’s so much easier to have someone say something isn’t their thing over text than midway through sex.) Start by describing a scene. Remember that what you’re sexting about doesn’t need to reflect what you’re really doing in the moment; you can say you’re naked in bed when you’re actually reading a book in your pajamas. Try these prompts:
😎Describe what you're wearing.
“I’m in a suit and tie. I look very put together. For now.”
“I’m taking off my belt and thinking about you.”
“I’m in that shirt you really like. The blue one.”
😈Describe what you’re “doing” right now.
“I’m lying in bed naked.”
“I’m touching myself.”
“I’m so hard right now, thinking about you.”
😛Describe what you want to do later.
“I want to strip you naked as soon as I see you.”
“I want to bend you over my desk when you get here.”
“I want to throw you on the bed and have my way with you.”
Here's what to say during IRL dirty talk.
Nervous newbies, listen up: there are several ways to ease into dirty talk.
Cordingley suggests just practicing some racy words or phrases out loud when you’re alone so you can get more comfortable hearing yourself say them.
Once you’re ready to try this with your partner, Cordingley recommends keeping the lights off or at a dim level, which may make you feel a little less exposed and inhibited. Start with small tidbits of feedback, says O’Reilly—a simple “don’t stop” or “that feels so fucking good” can go a long way.
Asking questions can encourage your partner to amp up the dirty talk, too, O’Reilly says. For instance, you might ask them:
- "Do you like that?"
- "Do you want me to make you come?"
- "Do you want me to come for you?"
- "Where do you want me to come?"
- "Do you want me to taste you?"
- "What can I do to make you feel good?"
Nicoletta Heidgger, a sexologist and host of the Sluts and Scholars podcast, also suggests reading or listening to erotica to get some inspiration. And when in doubt, you can always just narrate what’s happening in the moment, Cordingley says.