Talking about sex shouldn’t be difficult, but considering the stigma and shame that surrounds it, it’s no surprise that we as a society struggle with it. This becomes a whole other story when figuring out how to talk about sex with your partner.
For a more fulfilling sex life, it’s time to put fear to one side, and let’s talk about sex, baby!
Here we will explore why, when, and how to talk about sex with your partner. You can thank us later.
So, Why Should You Start Talking About Sex?
Many of us experience problems in the bedroom, but that doesn’t mean you should just give up or drop your partner because of it!
You may have found yourself in a long term relationship where the sex has become disconnected, boring, or non-existent. Or, perhaps you’re in a new relationship and you’ve encountered issues with techniques or mismatched libidos.
All of these are very common themes when it comes to sex, so just remember––you’re not alone!
Once you discover how to talk about sex with your partner, it can really help to alleviate any pressing sexual concerns. This study also showed that communicating your feelings around sex can enhance your intimacy, sexual satisfaction and relationship overall.
When Is a Good Time to Talk About Sex?
Communication is key before, during, and after your sexual encounters. Initially bringing it up as a topic to discuss could be done via text, phone or in person. But picking the right time of day can make all the difference when you are figuring out how to talk about sex with your partner.
Ideally, don’t bring it up when tensions could be running high. Say, at work or just after work. Even late at night when you and your partner are tired and irritability levels are high. This could risk your partner feeling criticised or defensive about their performance.
At the right moment when you feel safe and comfortable, calmly suggest to your partner that you’d like to talk about sex with them. You could then set a time, and a timer, and make a judgement-free space. You can even suggest regular check-ins.
If you feel like making it special, you could make it a cozy atmosphere by adding some candles, pillows, and some nice music.
It can feel quite daunting, but rest assured, you will feel relieved and grateful that you did! It’s a brave thing to do, but our task ahead is to normalize the conversation in your relationship, so it will become easier in the long run.
How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner?
1. Self-reflection Exercise
Before you sit down and have a conversation with your partner, it is worth taking a moment to reflect on what exactly it is that you want to discuss. Invite your partner to do the same. Reflect on what you enjoy about sex, what you don’t, and some points for improvement.
2. Writing and Sharing Exercise
This practice encourages you to let go of fear by free writing whatever comes to your mind about sex. Set a timer for 3 minutes, and if you feel comfortable enough you can share and discuss.
3. Eye Gazing and Conscious Listening
Sitting opposite each other in your cozy space, spend 2 minutes looking into each other’s eyes. This exercise results in a deep connection and a trustful relationship.
Eye gazing is so powerful that studies have found it can produce passionate feelings between strangers.
Once the two minutes are up, set up two more minutes per person dedicated to Conscious Listening. Take this time to share your feelings about your sex life, and not just hear the words that each of you are saying. Listen to the true message being communicated.
4. Fears, Loves, and Desires
Take active listening to a whole new level by adding a structured layout to it. Spend a minute or two per person to freely answer the following questions:
- What do you fear about [sex or the specific issue]?
- What do you love about sex?
- What do you desire when it comes to sex?
The active listener can only reply “thank you, what else do you fear, love, or desire?”. Use this audio guide to follow along.
5. I Dreamed a Dream
Perhaps you have a specific fantasy that you are struggling to bring up in conversation. One easy method to test the waters is saying to your partner “I had a dream that we did XYZ.” Sense their reaction. You may be met with some resistance, humour, or even desire, in any case you can develop the conversation further with a playful curiosity.
6. Graphic Sex Project
A great visual tool for sexual communication is the Graphic Sex Project. Via this online tool, you and your partner can prepare and compare your graphs. Picking from topics such as: a typical sexual encounter that I like, a typical sexual encounter that I don’t like, a fantasy, how I like/don’t like to have sex.
Once you’ve shared your graphs, you can analyse and learn about each other’s preferences and hard limits!
7. Porn Sharing
If you’re keen to try a certain position or kink out, it might be worth exploring pornography together. You can discuss each other’s likes and dislikes when it comes to watching sex compared to having sex. For many of us, our porn and fantasies aren’t reflective of what we want in the bedroom with our partner, but it can be a fun insight into each other’s desires.
8. Introduce Beducated Yoni Massage
Accepting that neither you nor your partner knows everything about sex is a great step for opening the doors to curiosity. Introducing Beducated’s Yoni Massage course into your relationship will definitely give you something to talk about.
In the course, you can both learn new techniques and forms of pleasure. Read or follow along to the videos, making sure to check-in “does this feel good?” throughout.
9. Introduce Beducated Lingam Massage
Equally as fun, is the Beducated Lingam Massage course. You can also practice these on yourself in your own time and teach your partner what you’ve learned by discussing the process and how you felt.
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10. Kink Communication
In the BDSM and Kink scene, it is common to use safe words during sex. You can discuss what words you’d like to use before you have sex. For inspiration, the most popular safe words are Pineapple and Banana.
It is important to use this when there is something you aren’t enjoying and you want to stop having sex or re-evaluate your positions.
The traffic light system is typically used to indicate whether you want more of the same thing (green), maybe try something different (yellow), and I want to stop altogether (red). These are invaluable methods for checking in during sex, but make sure to discuss what could be improved for next time.
11. Pillow Talk
Studies have found that post-orgasm pillow talk is positively associated with disclosing positive feelings for each other, “associated with trust, relationship satisfaction, and closeness”.
As the oxytocin (the bonding hormone) floods through the body, it’s the perfect time to discuss sex, what did work and didn’t work.
Without negative feelings of judgment, this creates a space for learning… and who knows, maybe even another round of sex!
Now Go and Talk About Sex, Baby!
Wherever you’re at in your relationship, talking about sex might not be easy––but it is so worth it! Take the plunge, try out one of our effective communication tools with a curious and loving mindset.
Your only mission––more pleasure!